The FSM handbook

FSM – Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Touched by His Noodly Appendage, a parody of T...
Touched by His Noodly Appendage, a parody of The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo, is an iconic image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

A  church that worships the deity, known as Him, the Flying Spaghetti monster.

After great consideration and contemplation I have become a staunch believer and follower of the FSM. Once I was introduced to the basic concepts I was hooked. And before you get all cranky and “religious” on me you may want to take a closer look at your TRUE beliefs and how they relate to YOUR life. And take a look at the basic foundations here and think about it.

The 8 I really rather you didn’t s

  1. I’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
  2. I’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
  3. I’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
  4. I’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is “go fuck yourself,” unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
  5. I’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.
  6. I’d really rather you didn’t build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
    1. Ending poverty
    2. Curing diseases
    3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
      I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
  7. I’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
  8. I’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

Could kind say this is food for thought couldn’t ya!? And if it suits your needs well go with it and then you can sit back a giggle and point at the other goofies in pursuit of the”TRUE” god. Whatever!

 

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Published by

bzerob

I am an aging American Navy veteran with some very pointed and acidic opinions. Feel free to heed the warning and read on.

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